(screaming )
Help!
[laughing]
Help!
[laughing]
[ applause ]
quiet.
You will scare away the deer.
Welcome to tosh.O.
Tonight sick kicks for the
Ladies.
They're not even in stores yet.
These sick kicks are the new
Derrick rose by adidas.
He will never get to wear.
Maybe they're cursed.
Hope I can make it through the
Episode without blowing out my
Acl.
Tonight we type stuff into
Google.
This sounds like a solid
Episode.
No let's see if anyone has
Helped that guy yet.
oh, deer.
Help skhraupl
Help!
help you do what, kill more
Of nature's beautul creatures?
In sometimes like this I ask
Myself what would amanda bynes
Do?
The answer is, get up and leave
And pray no one saw it if you
Want your baby to stay soft
Don't forget the downey.
By now everyone has seen the
Video where a guy puts a baby in
The washing machine and you
Can't get it out.
You know what I say if you can't
Afford a washer and drier you
Can't afford a kid anyways.
The sign says junior wash
$2.95789 I hate the sound of
Shoes in the washing machine
Especially when they're attached
To a screaming baby.
Thank goodness he's safe.
Now go dry him in the micro
Wave.
I go to that laundry mat once a
Week.
¶
laundry day.
Okay.
A little grape juice on there.
That's okay.
I will try to tide stick it out.
There you go.
(crying baby)
and in.
(crying baby ).
in here, if you don't
Separate the colors you will
Dingy up the whites.
Technically you're not dark but
You're nonwhite so you go over
Here.
Okay, you guys are definitely
White.
I need to hold hands.
If I lose one of you I have to
Throw the other one away.
(crying baby)
oh, no, I didn't.
Oh, I forgot you're dry clean
Only.
Yes.
Are you.
the reasonhe's stkraoeu
Clean only is she's not a strong
Swimmer.
Yes.
here is what happens when you
Keep your iphone in the front
Pocket.
-- juniors life has become
More tkeult since 2008.
A growth more than 100 pounds on
Hit skroe tupl.
His scotum.
that may have it's own heart.
Ishe wearing a hoodie as pants?
Ballsy move.
Let's see it.
He has to hire a team of latinos
To manscape that monster.
The selling point is lawed he's
Have a place to rest their chin.
And their arms.
A glass of wine.
A plate of cheese.
Their purse.
That's some big balls.
This next girl puts the hore in
Horticulture.
katie sitting in a tree
K-I-s-s-ec-sta-sy.
Can trees catch chlamydia?
I wonderful he cares if the tree
Curves a little to the left.
if that tree could talk she
Would freak out.
Wholly [beep] this tree is
Talking.
my motto is the more talented
Your dog is the more lonely you
Are.
that's exactly the kind of
Thing you see at half time of a
Lakers game if they were still
In the playoffs.
The best trick is making it look
Like the dog isn't beaten
Constantly.
who names their dog norman?
What's next.
(oh )
[beep]
[laughing]
I broke my toe.
I just broke my toe.
when you go to an on-line
College you have to haze
Yourself.
Bad.
now let's see why nothing
Good comes from a grow en man
Setting up a webbcam in this
Week's breakdown.
[ applause ]
the internet is full of
People trying to get famous by
Out moronning each other this
Guy calls himself the l.A.
Beast.
My nickname for jessica biel.
Time for the brain freeze
Challenge.
You drink a slur pee fast and
Try to deliver gifts across a
Busterred floor.
If it sounds made up and stupid.
That's because this guy made it
Up and he's stupid.
What's with the presents?
Just be glad he's not a ex
Football player firing a bullet
Into his chest.
[beep]
people watching his audition
Tape for america's next top
Predator who lives with his
Parents and has a dispro portion
Ateldisportionateately large he.
I broke my toe.
you don't know if it's
Broken.
(oh).
oh, I'm sorry I doubted you,
Beast.
That piggy went to the slat
House.
What you want to do is tape it
To the toe next to it.
First stuff the meat and bone
Back in.
I have to go to the hospital.
his next challenge is putting
On a sock without crying.
Time to hang number 62 from the
Rafters, and for that we at
This.
We will be right back with the
Webb redemption.
First, if you're a scientist
Play special close attention.
we have an emergency.
A nuclear bomb is about to
Launch with semen to infect
Everyone.
We need scientists all over the
World to help us stop this bomb,
And also it's going to be like a
Nuclear bomb hitting canada --
Right now.
oh!
get your hat.
[laughing]
he's fine.
The skull is nature's helmet.
He should thank that truck for
Helping him make the only
Watchable skate video.
Skateboarding was invented by
Marty mcfly.
Back then it was cool and
Dangerous.
Skating ha yet to go mainstream
Because nobody wants to watch it
They can't get fuel tv to watch
It and they show weight ins.
I watch x games the same reason
I watch bullfighting.
I want to see you die.
A nollie heel flip isn't
Different from speaking klingon
And watching storm trooper
Costumes.
storm troopers don't speak
Klingon.
I get it.
skating is for children.
If you don't have a shoe deal by
The time you're 14 your window
Is closed.
There is zero percent chance you
Will be the next tony hraubg.
No hobie can be that great if
You're surrounded by razor
Scooters all day.
The only trick on a razor
Scooter is going five minutes
Without having your sexuality
Questioned.
I like skateboarders are
Fearless and do it dover and
Over without getting it right.
Same as anyone dating matthew
Fox.
It's like hollywood where doing
Rails means something completely
Different.
Now this week's webb redemption.
what's up, sir.
Thanks for meeting me here.
it's not my house.
Now get in here.
This bowl is so fresh.
where are you from.
boston.
alk me through what happened
In the video.
skating.
were you planning on doing
Anything else.
no, that was the end.
it ended on time.
when you got up did you
Credit calling the pho number
On the back of the truck to
Report his driving?
no.
how far did you fly through
The air.
approximately 25 feet.
did you ever meet the guy?
I'm sorry did you ever meet the
Asian woman?
he scaled a ambulance.
and then left.
pretty much.
would you be shocked if he
Was here?
yes.
me too.
who was suppose to be
Watching for traffic.
no one was but someone should
Of been.
you were hoping when you flew
Through a intersection there
Would be no cars.
I did it once before and I
Went to the sidewalk.
I went into the street that
Time.
did you get hurt.
little bit.
Cuts and browses.
no broken bones?
no broken bones.
did you go to the hospital.
yes.
do you have insurance?
yes.
you vote in the last electi
Election.
are you voting this time.
yes.
it's exciting.
You can do what you want in
There.
They're not allowed to ask
Questions.
did your parents see the
Video.
yes.
what did they think?
they didn't react the way I
Thought they would.
how did they react?
that was crazy.
They didn't freak out.
why does everyone want you
Dead?
this is what I would of done.
I would of jumped off my
Skateboard over the truck.
My skateboard go underneath and
Jump on the board.
a hippie jump.
did it make you want to
Switch to roller blading.
no.
what is your thought on
Roller bladers?
horrible.
what do you call them.
fruit booters.
that sounds like a hate
Crime.
Is that the first time you were
Hit by a car.
yes.
hi in a car accident.
yes.
good driver in snow?
drive slow.
you do what I do, get
Yourself a subaru outback.
have you skated the rail
Since.
no.
you have to get back on that
Rail.
kids, how many damn times do
I have to tell you to quit
Training by pool.
Fill it up or I'm calling the
Police.
You always this angry old man
Hawk.
let's.
Go
[laughing]
¶
welcome to my childish dream
Factory for young boys only.
not like the fantasy factory.
no.
It's my own original idea I had
Years before he did.
I was too busy with other
Projects to see it through.
It is awesome with everything
You could want if everything you
Want is to hang out with
12-year-old shirt less boys.
Scooter, play basketball.
My favorite the phone pit.
You going to jump in.
I will stick to skating.
suit yourself.
I insist you don't wear a
Helmet.
The boys look up to you.
It's important their idol is
Cool t-fpltz hot in here.
Let me fix you a drink.
[laughing]
what's that?
jason.
alright, last chance to take
The shirt off.
Looks itchy .
I'm good.
your loss.
Go have fun with the boys.
There are no cars in here.
You should be pretty safe.
[beep]
oh, no.
I see you met my partner in
Crime.
You took two hundred pounds of
Balls in the face.
You got sacked.
That's what up.
You have to see it.
lucky for us big zach is a
Fan of the show and willing to
Drive in from vegas.
Now will someone do him a favor
And get high on bath salts and
Gnaw that thing off.
We will be right back.
First let's close out the air
Kwroeout theaeriolas.
dude.
put it on.
hi, kickstarters.
We're writers, students and
Aspiring musicians.
we need your help.
I need your help making my
First mix tape possible.
we're making a steam punk,
Steam powered arm.
I'm working on a life size
Mummy on $200 of mcdonald's
Food.
let's change the world
Together.
if a few dollars make your
Dreams come true.
You have pathetic dreams.
That is from kickstarter.
The site is flooded with bands,
Artists and two thousand people
With a designer jeans line.
It's stupid and works.
I have decided to start my own
Kickstarter campaign.
My name is daniel tosh.
I'm a media
My goal in life is to be
Extremely wealthy but I have a
Horrible work ethic with.
This kickstarter campaign I'm
Asking you to help me become the
First world's trillionair.
I will purchase the mona lisa
And put the bitch through a
Paper sledder.
I will buy the miami dolphins
And guarantee tim tebow starts
Every game.
I will purchase facebook and
Rename it the facebook.
One more thing.
Keep the "it" I like it that
Will help the worthless stock go
Lower.
I will shut down instagram.
I will convert disney world into
A luxury resort for gay weddings
And rename it north carolina.
I will bye every tang raoepb in
The world so no win can have a
Tangerine.
You dumba*gss can waste your
Time peeling giant ore ang
The minimum donation is ten
Thousand dollars.
There is no maximum.
By giving me a trillion dollars
You can be come a gold member.
You have 24 hours to donate.
if I get that money I will
Not be here next week.
Do the right thing with your
Parent credit card information,
Kids.
The security code is the three
Digit number on the back.
To see more of my kickstarter
Head over to the blog.
And maybe you can be a viewer
Video winner.
Here is this weeks.
go for it
did you just eat them?
ya.
Yes, I did.
like I'm suppose to believe
She made a perfect toss.
We will be right back with more
Make me laugh.
I hope the mystery comic is greg
Hahn.
welcome back.
Yolo, that's what the kids are
Saying.
You only live once, yolo.
What about hindus?
I don't [beep] care about
Hindus.
Next week we get this guy pepper
Sprayed again.
get it all over you.
Take it in the mouth.
(screaming )
I can't breath!
looks like nice property.
he should let his buddy pee
On the face.
Doesn't do anything for the
Stinging but makes a better
Video.
Follow me on twitter, keep up
With the blog and check out the
Store.
Our new animated show
Brickleberry is coming to comedy
Central.
We have kaitlin olson from
"always sunny" she plays a park
Ranger called ethel.
Would you like to meet her?
I have had eleven abortions.
are you getting a feel for
The tone of the show, kids.
finally before we go I would
Like to talk about googles auto
Complete feature.
If you type "is."
The third result is "is daniel
Tosh gay?
"this is what the world needs an
Answer too.
Let it go my little monsters.
Here is what happens when you
Type in "can you."
"can you get pregnant from
[beep]?
The answer is a big yes.
Of all forms of pre the most
Potent and tangiest.
If you type in "were there."
Here is what comes up:
Were there black people on the
Titannics?
Were their white slaves?
Were their gay presidents?
What's wrong with the country,
This great questions.
Let's do this with images.
If you type in "probably smells
Kpwad" what do you think the
First picture is?
Rihanna?
I would like to get her stank
All over me.
Ifou type in haopbd so many
Comedians.
You get 34 pages of results and
I'm not on a single one.
That's horse [beep].
Maybe I need to get more
Specific with my search.
Sexy whiteomedians named
Daniel I'm fourth.
[laughing]
so, in conclusion google is
Garbage and I'm tanging my
Business to binge.
Good night.
I hope you enjoy all of the work
That went into this quality
Production.